When my dad passed away I was actually in the room when it happened. I was hoping it would be peaceful and in his sleep but it wasn't. Afterwords I was just in shock, me and my mother were both in the room and not really sure if he had passed yet. We checked for a pulse but there wasn't one. It didn't hit me for about fifteen minutes but then I was immediately hit with survivors guilt. He was mostly a mean person but I had never seen someone pass away. All I could think about for the next few weeks was that he wouldn't be able to drive his car or drink his coffee. It made me feel worse that I could.
 |
| My dad to the left, my sister behind me and my grandfather to my right. |
After a while though I thought about how he wasn't in pain anymore. He didn't have to take a questionable amount of pills everyday and didn't have to wake up knowing he had to go to chemo. He was angry all his life and took it out on all of the people close to him. In a way he taught me how to be a better person by showing what not to be and what not to do. I miss my dad but I don't miss the anger he brought. Life has been a little confusing because things have started to get better after all that. My mom is traveling and finally seeing the world. I'm in a new relationship and going to school. It's weird seeing the silver lining of it all, it feels kinda like being rewarded for trying to stick by his side in the end even though he pushed us away in the beginning.
Psychological Alchemy
Inner being
self worth
Mental process
trying to work
Everything is everything
made of elements
dare I dwell a bit?
I dare.
Inner speakings of
guidance and knowledge
Everything we know,
a heavy haulage
All working towards
the same goal
To be better
than they ever were before
Changing the mix
Beyond the metal,
beyond the earth,
beyond the elements
beyond the flow
The Soul
The Gold.
James,
ReplyDeleteBest poem yet. This poem is very impressive... publishable in quality. I think that this post has been your best yet. It's great to see your writing evolve so quickly in this course.
The poem has poise, it's well paced, it has creative word play in it (love the invention of the word "haulage" to make your line). That's what it takes. Inventiveness and intelligence. That's here.
Yes, you've written about your father a couple of times, but I suppose that this writing prompt and this week's lesson is really the one for this topic, espcially how recently your dad passed away. You tell a great story, but better yet, you're already healing from this and seeing it as a positive step all along the way. Hopefully, that guilt is lifting, because it seems like, in your heart, you held in there the whole way.
You should be proud of yourself for doing so. Many other people would have bailed out.
I think that you're on to something, too, with this perspective. Now that your father has passed, it may actually be easier to love and appreciate him. It's weird, but that's how it works sometimes. I had a ver difficult time accepting my father and his habits (he was very angry when we were kids), but now that I'm older, and I live 2000 miles away, I can start to appreciate him as the character he is - with a distance from the character flaws that would cause me anguish, embarrassment, or frustration.
It took me about 30 years to start to understand how and why I love my dad.
You show a lot of strength in this post, and I think that you have excellent, noble character to stand with your family like that. It takes self-awareness to see that you did feel guilty and you weren't sure exactly why. You have a lot of insight, and your writing is allowing you to process it all in a healthy way.
It's awesome to read.
Great work. Awesome throw back picture. True. Honest. Solid work.
GR: 96