Courage Through Perseverance

Fear is a powerful thing. Being a kid, I was terrified of going downstairs into my basement. It's where we did laundry so you had to eventually go down there. In the basement itself there are two other rooms that are completely dark so you can't see in but someone could see out. It would always freak me out and my imagination would get the best of me. As I get older I lose the childhood fears and adopt adulthood fears. Now I'm no longer scared to go down there and do my laundry but sometimes I'll think what if I fall down the narrow steps and break my back? I'll have to go to the hospital and pay all these medical bills which will just add stress in the end.

Behind the fear is really the stress that cripples me. I constantly try to please everyone around me and worry about myself last. That can be very bad for my own mental health because you can't help anybody if you can't help yourself. If something is really getting at me I try to just sit in my room with either some relaxing music or even nothing at all and just breath. I breath in, count to four, then breath out. When I heard of it I thought it sounded to simple and stupid but not everything needs to be complicated to work. Taking that time to just focus on breathing really relaxes and puts me at ease.

I somewhat miss the simple fears. It's nice to not panic when I see the darkness but really I think you just get over the little stuff and worry about the big things. What helps is to turn that fear into a challenge. I am my own worst enemy. I say all the time that I can't do something before I even try it because I don't have the confidence. Thinking back now, it's scarier to wonder all the things I've missed out on because I was too scared. I hope to not hold myself back and let myself live.

Don't Let it Win

I feel you pushing me down

paralyzing, crippling

I feel bound

But I'm back at it

and I'm not throwing in the towel.

So sit back and relax

and save you vowels.

Actually why should you be at ease

after terrorizing me

Making me lose sleep

making me look deep

In myself

my own wealth

put simply

It's you turn

I need my rest

I've been in this battle for too long

I'm sick of this song.

So I won't waste any more breath

but this...

you will not be my death.

In the Now

There is a nice, chilly breeze blowing through the city. It's mid October and Halloween is approaching pretty quickly. I get older and time becomes faster. Seems like holidays are back right after they end. I've never been too big on most holidays but I always enjoyed that this one encouraged to make yourself look like a doctor or a power ranger and just have fun. Either way I'm stuck looking out the decorations. My house always turns into a mix and match of random seasonal decorations you find in the back of the stores and it can't be stopped. My mom has a sweet spot for the dark. Every year the house is covered with fake blood splatters and skeletons hanging from the ceiling. Screaming door mats that drive the dogs crazy but make her laugh but she loves the spirit of the holiday.

As the house transforms I sit in my room with one of my closest friends, Jeremy. Eventually my other really close friend, Anthony will come over and we'll drink beer and play this game called Rockband. We use to play it all the time when we were growing up and the newest one just came out. I felt eight years younger when we all sat down with our plastic instruments and pretended to be the Foo Fighters. It's kinda weird now how much we've all have grown up and changed. I have a license now, can buy beer and I'm in college. I don't think I was ever more in the present than when I was a kid. I didn't care about the past or worry about tomorrow, I just lived in the moment with no stress of being an adult. Ignorance truly is bliss.

The weekend has begun and I'm very excited. I'm going to Maine with my girlfriend and we're going to stay at a cabin for a night. It will be too cold before anyone even knows it so it's worth it to go away if it's even for just one night. I haven't been out of the state in a couple months so it's refreshing. Really I can't wait for Sunday night where I'll be back home and just relaxing with my feet up. That is the time I truly enjoy. The time where I sit there with some Portugal. The Man playing and the stress and responsibilities take a break for a couple hours or at least seem too.

When I Stop I Notice

When I stop I notice

the weightless air

breezing by my face

I breath in

Connecting me to the world

as I sit in place

I feel the foundation

the nails that hold

the screws that bind

I feel the walls shift

I see the age of the paint

they have grown with me.

Nothing stays the same

everything will change

Need change

SOMETHING STRANGE!

What's that in the mirror?

something new, a different version

I breath out

Not the same boy that drew on these walls

but a man who paints these walls.

The Light in the Dark

I tend to write about my dad a lot recently. I don't really mean to it's just a big moment that happened to me not too long ago and his death had a pretty big impact on me. He was a really hard person to get along with and he made it difficult to think if he thought about anything but himself yet he was still my dad. He was extremely sick before he recently passed away last may. He was in hospice care at my house for about four weeks and my mom, me and my sister were the care team. A nurse would come by Monday through Friday to give medicine and check vitals while another nurse would come Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays to wash him. All the other times we had to feed, medicate and clean him. It was pretty difficult to go through for all of us.

When my dad passed away I was actually in the room when it happened. I was hoping it would be peaceful and in his sleep but it wasn't. Afterwords I was just in shock, me and my mother were both in the room and not really sure if he had passed yet. We checked for a pulse but there wasn't one. It didn't hit me for about fifteen minutes but then I was immediately hit with survivors guilt. He was mostly a mean person but I had never seen someone pass away. All I could think about for the next few weeks was that he wouldn't be able to drive his car or drink his coffee. It made me feel worse that I could.

My dad to the left, my sister behind me and my grandfather to my right.

After a while though I thought about how he wasn't in pain anymore. He didn't have to take a questionable amount of pills everyday and didn't have to wake up knowing he had to go to chemo. He was angry all his life and took it out on all of the people close to him. In a way he taught me how to be a better person by showing what not to be and what not to do. I miss my dad but I don't miss the anger he brought. Life has been a little confusing because things have started to get better after all that. My mom is traveling and finally seeing the world. I'm in a new relationship and going to school. It's weird seeing the silver lining of it all, it feels kinda like being rewarded for trying to stick by his side in the end even though he pushed us away in the beginning.

Psychological Alchemy

Inner being

self worth

Mental process

trying to work

Everything is everything

made of elements

dare I dwell a bit?

I dare.

Inner speakings of

guidance and knowledge

Everything we know,

a heavy haulage

All working towards

the same goal

To be better

than they ever were before

Changing the mix

Beyond the metal,

beyond the earth,

beyond the elements

beyond the flow

The Soul

The Gold.

Learning from the Past, Preparing for the Future

This week I will be writing about three experiences that were very special to me. They have helped me shape the road I have traveled on and the person I have become. There have been a lot of moments to choose from, some more embarrassing or entertaining than others but these ones are some of the most important events in my life.

The first time I ever left home without any of my family members was in 2013. One of my best friends, Anthony, moved down to North Carolina and he had been there already for about seven to eight months. His brother (also named James) was going to visit family and offered for me to tag along knowing I had been missing Ant. I was nineteen at the time but my mom was still making a big deal about me leaving even though I would be with friends. It was nice to go somewhere without being tied to someone else. We planned to stay a week and it took us about eight hours to drive there. It was disgustingly hot all week but I was so happy to see my friend who is like a brother to me. It turns out that his brother was also going as a messenger/ride for Ant. His dad offered for him to come back to Massachusetts and attend trade school that he would pay for. I spent all week talking to Ant about the pros and cons. His biggest worry is where he was going to stay. I immediately called my mom and asked if she would be okay if he stayed for a bit. She welcomed him with open arms. So we headed back home and he lived with us for about a year. We would fight sometimes but it was awesome living with my best friend. It was interesting being away from home by myself for the first time.

I have only been to two funerals in my life: my grandfather on my dad's side and my dad himself. At my grandfathers I was still pretty young and I can't really remember the whole thing, just bits and pieces. I just remember being confused at the whole thing. I understood (for the most part) that my granddad was no longer with us but I was confused at why were we all wearing black, why is he in a box going into the ground and etc. My father's funeral was this year and it was a really tough time. He was named James also so it's kinda weird seeing rest in peace James Gates. The weird thing was how much easier it was than the first funeral. I'm older now and know what to do and can process what's going on. The experience has made me appreciate life more and the time we had with it. My dad didn't use his time to the best of his advantage but I will try with mine.

When I was in a senior in high school my mom surprised us with a vacation to London. She was going for work but me and my sister were able to stay in her hotel room so all we had to do was pay for our flights. It was the first time I had ever been out of the United States and it was an amazing trip. We went in December so it was very cold and there was A LOT of snow but it made everything look even better. All the architecture looked so beautiful and there was just so much to see. I never really thought about life outside of my four walls, my state or even my country but life over there was just so pleasant. The British accent sounded amazing from beautiful women and awful from angry old men but I had an amazing time. I really enjoyed seeing the other cultures and meeting so many people, it's kinda depressing knowing that I will probably never see a lot of them again. It felt like a different planet but it was all just across some water. I can't wait to go back and see it all again.


Unload

Time to clock in
is it time to clock out?
stuck in this building
about to punch myself in the mouth.

This place is always the same,
nothing will change.

Open up the truck and take out the crap.
Grab all the boxes and make a nice stack.

Here comes the boss
he's another pep talk.
Half listening
wish I could just block.

Here comes the heavy stuff
and there goes my back
I really hate this place
and that's just a fact.

After one year I can get a raise
it's a nickel and now I'm confused and dazed.

Time to leave and start anew,
get my life on track and go to school.